In our culture, perfectionism often gets celebrated. We admire the straight-A student, the colleague who always meets deadlines, the friend who color-codes their planner and has their life seemingly in order. It’s easy to think, “I wish I could be more like that.”
But what we don’t always see is what’s going on underneath.
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do things well. It’s about being afraid of not doing them well enough. It is also about trying to avoid mistakes, failure, and criticism at all costs. That kind of pressure doesn’t usually lead to growth or productivity. Instead, it often leads to anxiety, burnout, avoidance, and even depression (Xiong et al., 2024).
If you’ve ever put something off because you didn’t feel ready, re-read an email over and over before sending it, or felt frozen by the fear of getting something wrong, you know what I mean. That’s what happens when toxic perfectionism is in charge. It tells you that if it isn’t perfect, it’s worthless. And if you fail, it means something is wrong with you. This mindset can be painful and exhausting.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And more importantly, there are ways to move through it.
Not All Perfectionism Is the Same
It helps to know that perfectionism isn’t just one thing. Psychologists often talk about two components: perfectionistic striving and perfectionistic concern.
Striving is about working hard, having high standards, and doing your best in ways that feel meaningful and motivating. It tends to come from values.
Concern is the part that may cause harm. It’s when you’re constantly worried about messing up, doubting your abilities, and being harshly critical with yourself.
Someone with “healthy” perfectionism usually has high striving but low concern. But when both are high, perfectionism starts to hurt more than it helps. Even basic tasks can feel overwhelming because you’re so afraid of falling short (Sirois & Molnar, 2017).
If you spend more time worrying about what could go wrong than focusing on what matters, that’s a sign perfectionism may be getting in the way.
Where Does Perfectionism Come From?
It’s not just a personality trait. Most often, it is something we learn.
From a behavioral point of view, many of us learned early on that doing things “just right” helped us avoid disapproval, criticism, or discomfort. When that approach worked, even once, the brain took note. It said, “Do it like this again next time.”
Some of us grew up in families or schools where very high standards were the norm, even if people weren’t being intentionally critical. Others may have a natural tendency to avoid risk or feel extra sensitive to uncertainty.
From an evolutionary lens, this also makes sense. Back when survival depended on group acceptance, mistakes could lead to rejection. Rejection often meant danger. So, staying alert to how others saw us became part of how we stayed safe.
And in today’s world, social media and constant comparison only add fuel to the fire. Even if you had a supportive childhood, it’s easy to develop perfectionistic habits as a way to feel worthy or in control when everything around you says you have to be “better.”
“But If I Let Go of Perfectionism, Won’t I Lose My Drive?”
This is one of the most common fears I hear. If perfectionism has been your main motivator, letting it go can feel terrifying. It might feel like taking off the armor that helped you survive. But at some point, that armor gets too heavy. What once felt protective starts to hold you back.
It’s true that fear can push you to work harder in the short term. But over time, it drains you. When your energy is fueled by anxiety, everything starts to feel like a threat. Even when you succeed, it doesn’t feel good because the goalposts keep moving. You start to chase relief, not satisfaction.
So contrary to what we often believe, you do not need perfectionism to keep you going. What you need is to nurture your desire to grow, your values, your consistency, and your commitment to what matters to you. Real motivation comes from clarity and purpose, not fear. When you stop letting your inner critic dictate your actions, you create room to respond with more freedom, flexibility, and compassion.
Practical Tools for Coping with Unhealthy Perfectionism
1. Name the Rule
What are the unspoken rules you live by? Things like, “I must always be productive” or “If I make a mistake, I’ve failed.” Write them down. Then ask yourself, where did this come from? Is it true? Is there a more flexible version?
2. Make Room for Discomfort
Perfectionism often shows up when you feel afraid of failing or being judged. The next time you feel the urge to get something “just right,” pause. Take a breath. Let the discomfort be there without needing to fix it. Then choose to act anyway.
3. Try Good Enough Experiments
Try doing something imperfect on purpose. Send the email without checking it five times. Share an idea before it’s fully polished. These small experiments help retrain your brain and body to see that being imperfect doesn’t mean you’re unsafe or unworthy.
4. Focus on Intention, Not Outcome
Instead of asking yourself, “Did I do this perfectly?” try asking, “Was I acting in a way that reflects who I want to be?” Let that guide you. Choose progress over perfection. Choose meaning over control.
5. Speak to Yourself with Kindness
That inner critic might sound like it’s trying to help, but it often leaves you feeling stuck and defeated. Try talking to yourself the way you would talk to someone you care about. Say things like, “I know you’re trying. It’s okay not to have all the answers. You’re doing enough.”
6. Fall in Love with the Process
Perfectionism tends to keep your eyes glued to the outcome. Did I succeed? Did I mess up? Try gently shifting your attention to the experience of doing the thing, rather than the result. What did you learn? What did you enjoy or find meaningful? When you connect with the process, you create space for growth, flexibility, and joy, regardless of whether the result turns out perfectly.
How Therapy Can Help
Perfectionism is rarely just about performance. It’s often wrapped up in deeper fears, like fears of failure, rejection, or not being good enough. Therapy can help you explore those patterns, understand where they come from, and develop more supportive ways to relate to yourself.
You don’t need to “fix” who you are. You just need space to notice what’s no longer working, and the support to try something different.
If you often find yourself overthinking, procrastinating, or feeling like nothing you do is ever quite enough, you’re not alone. And more importantly, you don’t have to keep living this way.
You don’t need to be perfect to be loved, respected, or successful.
You just need to be human.
References
Sirois & Molnar (2017)
Sirois, F. M., & Molnar, D. S. (2017). Perfectionistic strivings and concerns are differentially associated with self‑rated health beyond negative affect. Journal of Research in Personality, 70, 73–83. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2017.06.003 researchgate.net+2eprints.whiterose.ac.uk+2journals.sagepub.com+2
Xiong, Liu, Song & Ma (2024)
Xiong, Z., Liu, C., Song, M., & Ma, X. (2024). The relationship between maladaptive perfectionism and anxiety in first‑year undergraduate students: A moderated mediation model. Behavioral Sciences, 14(8), Article 628. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs14080628 journals.sagepub.com+12mdpi.com+12mdpi.com+12